“Awight guv? My name’s Danny Dyer! I’m a bit of a geezer – pretty much a gangster actually. I’m well ‘ard! I live on the edge, I’m a bit dodgy, innit. A bit of a rogue.”

Yes, I remember you saying. It must be fun building your career on the glamorisation of crime. How are you anyway?

“Boo hoo! Someone nasty cwiminal stole my car and I’m SO upset about it! Sob! Why are people so nasty? I want my Mummy!”