Here is my latest column for Jewish News…
I think it was probably when I was encouraged to bang my neighbour on the head with a spring onion that I decided Pesach is my favourite Jewish festival. I’ve been part of some tense family get-togethers down the years, but I had never previously considered the pros and cons of using a root vegetable as a dinner-table weapon during any of them. But there, at my first ever Seder at a London synagogue some years ago, I quickly fell for the charms of the Sephardic tradition as I assaulted my neighbour (the wonderful author Carol Gould) with a spring onion. My philosemitic side purred with admiration and I began to wish that Easter or Christmas featured a similar moment of playful vegetable violence.
Actually, I do have to suppress a giggle when I hear my fellow gentiles moan throughout December about ‘what a nightmare’ it is to prepare Christmas dinner. I’ve nothing but admiration for the women (it’s still nearly always women) who cook the Turkey and stuffing, but Christmas comes only once a year while feast-based festivals are regular occurrences in the Jewish calendar and there is Shabbat to prepare for every week. It makes our knicker-twisting about getting the stuffing and crackers ready seem a bit silly, really.
I love a Jewish feast so I feel blessed that I am sometimes asked to Shabbat meals with Jewish friends and that I’ve just been invited for the second successive year to Seder with the wonderful Schogger family. For me the Seder is a powerful experience as it involves the re-telling of a story from the Torah that particularly moves me. Furthermore, I could sing along to Dayenu and Let My People Go all day and night given the chance. Not sure my fellow diners would be so keen to hear my less-than-dulcet tones though – oy, talk about suffering.
Thankfully, when the food arrives it is absolutely glorious, but then I am lucky enough to attend the Seder at the home of the very best cook in London. What a treat she serves up for us. All in all, my only issue with the Seder is that it’s all over so soon. Just five hours at the dinner table – what’s with the rush? The following morning we had Matzo pancakes for breakfast and they were so lovely they took me to the brink of tears of pure joy. As soon as I got home I tried to make some myself. So hideously did I fail at this task that I barely spoke for three weeks after and – to robust consensus – haven’t attempted to cook anything since.
Honestly, I still dry wretch just thinking about the sorry, soggy excuses for pancakes that I created. I would have been lucky to get one out of 10 for them on Come Dine With Me. Actually, as a fan of that Channel 4 reality series I think they should produce a Pesach-special called Come Lean With Me. These would be epic programmes that would take over the entire evening schedule for a week and it would be great fun watching the competitiveness build, particularly if the contestants included the spring onion moment. Channel 4 should commission it at once: it might even begin to balance out all those vile anti-Israel programmes they have churned out of late.
Back at the real Seder table I love the climactic declaration: ‘Next year in Jerusalem’ as the proceedings finally come to an end. What a moving statement to conclude a meal with. As a festive feast finale it really beats ‘Right, who’s washing, who’s drying?” or a belched “What time’s the Queen’s Speech on?’ Who knows where I’ll be next year but this year I shall be in Borehamwood, and gleefully so. Wherever you are I wish you a Chag Sameach.
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Hi Chas
All I can say is that if you can take on board all the customs,rituals and crazy foods without thinking the lunatics have taken over the asylum then you must have been born Jewish in a different life. You never mentioned the pre Pesach search for Chametz[bread] using a candle and a feather .If you come through that without a bemused smile then you become an honorary Jew forthwith.
Our own first Seder night is always at home with about 15 of us round the table . A somewhat watered down version with the emphasis on the first half . The second half is fairly gabbled through without too much discussion much to my shame.
By way of penitence ,the second night is spent with an ultraorthodox family or at least the wife is being the daughter of a Chassidic Rabbi. She gave up on her husband and three of the four sons a while ago. Nevertheless Seder is always a 5 hour stint with about 30 of us round the table .The real McCoy or should that be Mc Cohen.
I dare you to go through a week of Matzah and cheese when you are out and about without climbing the walls or at the very least a bout of constipation.
Have a great Seder with your friends and make sure you dont drink from Elijahs’ cup by mistake!
‘To robust consensus‘ – LOL!
This is actually a very sweet and touching read Chas.
Great article Chas. For Duvid, the best bit of the Seder is the children looking for the afikoman. This year Duvid has an illustrated train book lined up as an additional afikoman prize for his seven-year-old nephew when he finds it, since trains are his favourite subject.
Thanks for your comments. Love ‘the real McCohen’ and yes I had forgotten about the afikoman aspect. That was great fun last year!
We don’t do the spring onion bit, but in our family the afikoman bit is the other way round. The children have to steal it from Av HaSeder and then they hide it. After the meal and before the second half of the seder begins, we adults have to search for the stolen afikoman and if we can’t find it (which of course we never can),all the children get presents. We are of course kitniot eaters and the left over seder rice is left out all night to be blessed by Eliahu HaNavi. The next day everyone has to eat a spoonful of the blessed rice to guarantee a healthy and lucky year ahead. My favourite Pessach food is Mafrum – it always tastes even better at Pessach than it does the rest of the year.
Thanks! What is everyone else’s favourite Pesach food?
My favourite part is singing Dayeno in Yemenite-style prayer.
oh and my favourite Pesach food would be – Matzah with chocolate!!!!! Tops every other style of matzah, for sure!
Well said about the vile anti-Israel documentaries on C4 – disgraceful. Jezza Neumann should be sacked for his manipulative programme.
On a more upbeat note, your writing is a haven of light in the dark dark web.
“a haven of light in the dark dark web”
Hear hear.
Mazel tov allerseits
“I could sing along to Dayenu…..”
Aarghh! Chas!! Now I can’t get the tune out of my head!
We don’t do the spring onion bit either, although since he’s heard about this, my husband has been eyeing up various root vegetables with a certain gleam in his eye.
Enjoy your night!
A cute Dayenu to lighten the web a little:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjPZ8G3xy_0&feature=related
Beautiful Chas, enjoy.