This is my latest column for Jewish News:
It is actually a myth that more people now vote in reality television show finals than in general elections. The statistics don’t back the theory, not least because many reality television viewers vote multiple times. But there is a growing feeling that people like Simon Cowell now hold every bit as much influence on the great British public as does Gordon Brown. Mindful of the enduring success of reality television I suspect it cannot be long before the genre is given an injection of politics.
So how might political reality shows actually look? As recent months have shown us the approach towards Israel on our main channels is obsessive and unfriendly. From the BBC’s slanted Panorama show about Jerusalem A Walk In The Park, to Channel 4′s horrific conspiracy-theory Dispatches documentary fronted so pathetically by Peter Oborne, there has been precious little balance and sanity on the airwaves of late. The offices of the broadcasting world seem to have their fair share of morally-inverted freaks, so I’ve no doubt the reality television genre could quickly become full of just as much lunacy…
First out of the traps would come Britain’s Got Bigots. This would be an ‘exciting new spin on’ (read: unimaginative rip-off of) the Britain’s Got Talent concept: a talent show open to anyone who is disappointed with their own life and wants to relentlessly blame Zionism for all the world’s ills. The judging panel would consist of Israel-boycotting filmmaker Ken Loach, Seven Jewish Children playwright Caryl Churchill and (well, how best to describe him?) Alexei Sayle. Annie Lennox would occasionally guest to sing about how Operation Cast Lead ruined her Christmas.
There would be no public vote because, as we’re constantly told during Iraq debates, it is morally wrong to impose democracy on civilisations unable to deal with it. The winner would be crowned ‘Britain’s Biggest Bigot’ and would gleefully receive a statuette modelled on Baroness Jenny Tonge. In stark contrast to its namesake, in this show diversity would always finish last. On a similar note, how about a new British take on an existing Stateside hit in the shape of Anti-American Idol? Sponsored by The Guardian it could be co-hosted by Michael Moore and George Galloway (I’m already thinking the set would need to be roomy) and would feature lots of bad teeth, French wine and manic chatter among contestants about how ‘those Jews’ have a stranglehold on Congress. The prize for the winner would be an all-expenses paid week’s holiday in Tehran. (Second prize a two-week holiday in Tehran. Boom boom!)
Meanwhile, after its Sound Of Music talent search proved such a hit, the BBC might find itself considering a Yvonne Ridley presented show called What Do You Do With A Problem Like Sharia? Here, contestants would be invited to present their own personal plan to deal with growing tensions over extremist Islam. The winner – whose name would be announced live on air by a heavily perspiring Jeremy Bowen – would of course be the one who proposed: blame everything on Israel. There must be lots of similar ideas on the back-burner including David Milliband’s jungle-contest entitled He’s A Mossad Agent Get Him Out Of Here and Bill Clinton’s Camp David-based game show Deal Or No Deal. Perhaps a Halal version of Raymond Blanc’s The Restaurant might prove too tempting for the long-lunching commissioners of BBC towers, too. Either that or Britain’s Next Top Mullah.
It cannot be long until our evening television schedules are full of just these sorts of shows in which votes are cast and the good guys come last. Stick a few adverts in The Guardian and The Independent and there would be a stampede of people keen to take part I am sure. Disappointed Israel-bashers of the world apply: you have nothing to lose but your obscurity!
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LOL at BGB!
lol BGB
The followingis a bit more serious I thought your bloggers might like to know
This is a transcript of a speech given by the Mayor of Jerusalem at a meeting at Chatham House held on 22nd March 2010. It is very good because it not only gives his vision about how he’d like Jerusalem to develop but he does take and answers all the usual questions about , sovereignty and demolitions etc.
Worth reading and saving as it answers a lot of the BS put out by the nutters!!and bigots!
http://www.chathamhouse.org.uk/files/16214_220310barkat.pdf
So – you’re response to people legitimately criticising a state for its attacks on civilians is to accuse them of anti-semitism and then get into some dodgy Muslim bashing? Surely that’s not the intelligent answer is it?
“show called What Do You Do With A Problem Like Halacah … a Kosher version of Raymond Blanc’s The Restaurant … Britain’s Next Top Rabbi” – nope, still not funny and just as offensive.
So – you’re response to people legitimately criticising a state for its attacks on civilians is to accuse them of anti-semitism and then get into some dodgy Muslim bashing? Surely that’s not the intelligent answer is it?
Okay, let’s take a look at what you said….
1) Attacks on civilians? Rubbish.
2) The article does not accuse anyone of antisemitism.
3) Dodgy Muslim bashing? None, rather a light-hearted criticism of some sections of the liberal media’s fetishisation of Islam.
You talk about intelligence and yet you managed in one paragraph to lie about Israel, to accuse me of writing something I had not written and totally misread what I had written.
Mazel tov!
I’m in total shock. I never realized that Britain had bigots. I thought it was all good sportsmanship, pip! pip!, what ho! People had a fancy to do something. I am now disillusioned. I thought the White Paper was very sportsmanlike.
And poor Gary. You have taken a typically sensitive specimen of your countrymen and villified him, just because he has been hypnotized by a far-seeing British journalistic standard.
By the way, when will “Britain’s Got Bigots” be going into production? I know I won’t miss an episode.
OyVaGoy – you’ve done it again! Kudos. And as you so well express it – Mazel Tov!
Poor Gary indeed. Game, set and match to Oy Va Goy I should say.
Well, I know I really shouldn’t get into a debate with the brains behind biographies of such luminaries as Amy Winehouse and Paris Hilton, but what you’ve written is so ridiculous I can’t let it pass.
“1) Attacks on civilians? Rubbish.” – Nah, you didn’t really type that did you? Honestly? You think this?
“2) The article does not accuse anyone of antisemitism.” – Well, yes, you don’t accuse anyone of antisemitism in that you don’t come right out and say, “X is an antisemite”, but you do call everyone mentioned in the article a bigot. And then you write this, “manic chatter among contestants about how ‘those Jews’ have a stranglehold on Congress”, which, whatever way you look at it, is an accusation of antisemitism. So yes, you do actually level accusations of antisemitism.
“3) Dodgy Muslim bashing? None, rather a light-hearted criticism of some sections of the liberal media’s fetishisation of Islam.”
- Yes, because it’s well known that Britain’s two most widely-read newspapers, the Guardian and the Independent, are anxiously awaiting their new Muslim overlords. Muslims are forever being the subject of front-page tabloid stories about how ‘they’re’ demanding this or that, in papers which are read by ten times as many people as read any ‘liberal’ paper.
“You talk about intelligence and yet you managed in one paragraph to lie about Israel, to accuse me of writing something I had not written and totally misread what I had written. ” – And again, wrong, on all 3 accounts.
Nah, you didn’t really type that did you? Honestly?
Yes I did.
Well, yes, you don’t accuse anyone of antisemitism in that you don’t come right out and say, “X is an antisemite”, but you do call everyone mentioned in the article a bigot.
‘Bigot’ and ‘antisemite’ are different words.
And then you write this, “manic chatter among contestants about how ‘those Jews’ have a stranglehold on Congress”, which, whatever way you look at it, is an accusation of antisemitism.
An accusation against who exactly? These are unnamed contestants on an imaginary gameshow. All the passage you quoted does is acknowledge that there is antisemitism in the world. I hope you wouldn’t deny that, but I wouldn’t bet on it.
Muslims are forever being the subject of front-page tabloid stories
Which are not part of the ‘liberal media’ and therefore irrelevant to both my article and to my previous comment. I’ve spoken out on this blog against anti-Muslim bigotry and I delete any Islamophobic comments that readers leave here.
Well, I know I really shouldn’t get into a debate with the brains behind biographies of such luminaries as Amy Winehouse and Paris Hilton…
I quite agree. Don’t waste your time coming back (under any of your various guises) as your comments will be automatically deleted.
haha! love it! Well done. Some people really are pathetic. Very funny post, and a perfect response to a nasty little commenter with limited intelligence.
Well done for another great column Chas and well done Gary for proving that Britain does indeed have bigots…
Gary wants it to be true that Israel deliberately attacks civilians, so he pretends it is so. He wants it to be true that Chaz said Israel’s critics are anti semitic, so he pretends it is so. He wants it to be true that Chaz “bashes” Muslims, so he pretends it is so. It’s all bullshit.
I think Gary will feel he has egg on his face
Lynne: Well it is Easter. And April Fool’s Day.
Nice column Chas.
As for Gary, perhaps you could turn the state of mind he represents into an award for the piece of media Most Likely to Misrepresent Israel and Misunderstand Perfect English.
Gary is the perfect example of a reader/commenter seeing only what he wants to see and thus making an ass of himself.
Tons of competition for this award which could be called a Gazza (Oz abbreviation there),or just a Gary.
Great thread Chas, as usual.